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Honey, I'm home

I feel moderately guilty that I'm not going on a mission trip to Appalachia (like my friends Alicia and Kristi) or Guatemala (like my friend Michael) or on a class-based/ educational trip to Rome (like John) or London (like Christine). Instead, I am home, sitting in my chair in my room. I intend to relax, see friends, get a lot of course reading done, and spend excessive amounts of time doing what I want, when I want. Selfish? Maybe. But also good for the soul. And in the absence of the funds necessary for the adventures my friends are having, this was probably my best choice of spring break plans.

So this is what being a peace studies kid means

I rarely cry in movies. When I do, it's just a tear or two escaping my eyes.

Tonight, I sobbed into my boyfriend's shoulder, not just once, but several times.

We went to go see Casino Royale. He'd seen it and liked it, I had heard it was a decent Bond movie. $3 a piece through the student union board. I'm so glad now that none of our friends could come with us.

Throughout the first 2/3rds of the movie, the violence seemed excessive, but I could handle it. I wasn't enjoying myself, per se, but I was still chuckling at the jokes. Then Bond gets captured. The torture scene was the most graphic one I had ever seen. Even now, it's replaying in my head, and I'm crying again. The way he slumped in the chair, the moans. The fact that he was naked and stripped of his dignity. I know he wasn't really being hurt. I didn't even like his character that much. But I just finished reading The Human Security Report 2005, which gives as detailed statistics as we know them about things like torture. It didn't bother me severely to read it- I was more just trying to get through the raw data to be able to use it in a paper. It's different to get a visual and audio representation of a little bit of the suffering you've been reading about for a semester.

Anyway, I lost it. I cried the hardest I've ever cried in a theater. And then I couldn't handle the rest of the violence in the movie, either, and it didn't help that the ending message was something along the lines of trust no one but yourself, love doesn't work as an alternative.

O God, hear my voice and grant our world your peace.
Hear my voice,
it is the voice of the victims of all wars and violence;

Hear my voice,
it is the voice of all children
who suffer when we put our faith in weapons and war;

Hear my voice,
for I speak for those in every country
and in every period of history
who do not want war and are ready to walk the road of peace;

O God, hear my voice and grant our world your peace.

Send us your Holy Spirit,
instil into the hearts of all people
the wisdom of peace,
the strength of justice
and the joy of fellowship

so that we may respond
to hatred with courage and love,
to injustice with dedication to truth,
to suffering and need
by the compassionate sharing of ourselves,
to war with the non-violence of Jesus,
who brings hope and peace.

O God, hear my voice
and grant our world your peace.

Amen.

from http://www.carmelite.com/prayer/peace.shtml

Whoa, I'm taking care of myself?

I was just thinking about my study habits recently. I'm in the midst of the craziness of midterms. At one point, I had two exams and three papers in three days, but now one of those papers has been moved to Monday. My schedule for the week now is Intl Relations exam Wednesday, Continental Poli Thought paper due Wednesday (already done), and Peace Studies paper due Wed (also done). I had a Spanish midterm this morning. Granted, I lucked out that my English paper isn't due until Monday (along with a Spanish composition and a major Peace Studies paper), but I'm actually on top of things. And I relaxed while working really hard, which is the amazing thing. I went to a basketball game and a concert on Saturday (both of which were fabulous!) and to a hockey game friday night. Since when do I give myself that much time off? Go me! Oh, and I worked 16.5 hours last week, so maybe I might start making money now!

Sometimes a pat on the back or two is necessary for sanity.

Ups and Downs

So the day started off very well with me getting a lot done and then Joey bringing me Chickfila for breakfast midway through the morning. He now has a trump card when I'm annoyed with him ("but I brought you Chickfila"). He had to brave two cab companies, both of which took advantage of him. But the food was good!

I've been working hard trying to get everything out of the way. I wanted to go to a basketball and a hockey game today, but I ended up just going to the bball game. I've got an extremely busy week ahead of me, so the more I can get ahead, the better.

I lost thirty bucks today, fresh from the ATM. I don't know how. I was more than a little unhappy, so much so that I missed the first ten minutes of the bball game to go back and look. It was really windy though, so any hope of no one picking it up was dashed by the fact that it would have been blown away. It's not that huge of a deal. I am pretty short on money right now, but seriously, it's not like I have to worry where my next meal is going to come from. I just hope that my $30 makes it to someone who needs it. P.S. the basketball game was awesome.

In other news, life is sometimes very difficult to bear with patience. You do everything right and you still end up in a bad place. Nothing can fix that. You deal and try to ignore it when it gets to be too much. Sometimes that's all there is left to do. In the end, you remind yourself that things will get better, people do care about you, and no one can take away your smile unless you let them. And on your way you go.

lenten thoughts

Lent doesn't start until Ash Wednesday, of course, but my lovely seasonal black book has already started as of yesterday. Every little (insert liturgical color) book starts off with a page urging you to examine your goals for the special Church season. Then the rest of the book has daily six-minute meditations on appropriate scripture for the season, plus a page of tidbits and trivia.

In thinking about my goals for Lent, the usual suspects came to mind. Give up Starbucks! (With, as my boyfriend pointed out, the ulterior motive of saving money). Give up chocolate! (with the ulterior motive of eating more healthily, which I need to do anyway). Joey is very good about pointing out the shortcomings in my shortcuts. So tonight I sat still for a bit and thought about Lenten goals for real. Let me tell a short story first so my thoughts make more sense.

Last Sunday I worked my first recital for the music department. The audience filed past me into the auditorium, taking a program each. One was an old man wrapped in many layers of mismatched winter gear. I couldn't figure out from looking at him if he was homeless or just a little eccentric. Another worker told me that he'd been warned that this guy comes to most, if not all, recitals.

The performer had ordered two vases of flowers, one for the stage next to her and one for the back table near the entrance. The man kindly took a program from me and continued on, but drew up short at the sight of the flowers. "Real flowers!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to bury his face in them, breathing deeply. The joy on his face was heartwarming, even if I was a bit shocked by his behavior.

While thinking quietly tonight, I realized, I want that kind of joy. The joy at things as simple as a vase of flowers in the middle of winter. Not only do I want it for myself, but I want to be able to transmit it to others. I struggle a lot with finding ways to love certain people in my life, especially when overt gestures of love are harshly criticized. The key, I concluded, is prayer. Prayer for them can only help our relationships, and prayer can deepen my appreciation of little gifts and ultimately lead to joy.

I tend to sideline prayer. In a life in which everything is mentally scheduled, prayer just doesn't make it very often into my daily routine. It's hard to find a spare moment, especially when I have the energy to focus. I also struggle with feeling fulfilled in prayer, like I'm holding a conversation with someone who loves me, not just a wall. So maybe I don't try because I don't want to feel so inadequate. I don't want to face nagging doubts about whether God is really there. It's much easier not to try.

But as I've seen, I miss out on so much without a good relationship with God. So, my Lenten goal is to try. Not to feel better, not to necessarily find joy, but just to try.

Happy things

Sometimes you just need to make a list of everything that's going right in your life to remind yourself that life really does rock.

• friends calling and text messaging to offer love and support
• a boyfriend who takes such good care of me
• Rector and RA who genuinely take an interest in my life and want to help
• lots more events during weekends on campus this semester- Ragtime, Chinese New Year Celebration, Brazilian carnival
• (slowly) learning how to dance and look good while doing it
• pierogi at the dining hall
  
• throwing my first party (dedicated to happiness and love, not drinking)
• feeling like the songs I'm playing for guitar class are actually sort of pretty
• having enough self-discipline to sleep at normal hours and not waste weekends sleeping
• lots of apples-to-apples playing
• random memories about special people in my life (Mr. Bird making fun of the afternoon announcements girl, who liked to yell into the microphone and scare him)
  
• singing the salve regina when no one's in my room
• feet of snow, and jumping in huge piles of it
• Joey finding a latin translation attributed to our deceased and dearly loved latin teacher on a polish website
• lovely pictures sent via cell phone from my mom
• quiet library space and time to get work done.

Yeah, life is good.

to be humble

I'm finding that humility leads to being trampled on and used, which makes me think that I've got the idea of humility wrong. How do you put others first while still taking care of yourself?

Note to self

There is absolutely nothing wrong with me that a couple of hours spent with a good novel in a completely empty, quiet, softly lit dorm room won't cure.

More than anything, I miss my huge comfy Queen Anne-style reclining chair that I got for my seventeenth birthday. I also deeply miss the quiet and solitude of my room. It's so strange how you can be around tons of people and feel lonely, but be alone and feel complete. That was an emo thing to say.

I have my first Spanish test tomorrow, and no, I am not ready. I am also deathly afraid I will oversleep because I have been not sleeping well.

Spring break plans are still up in the air. My current favored plan is going to Chicago via train for the first weekend, hanging out with my favorite Northwestern girl, then swinging through a grocery store on my way back and holing up in my empty dorm, assuming I can find a job for the week on campus. There were jobs offered over fall break that paid pretty well. I need the money, and the time alone to do whatever I want (i.e. cross stitch and read happy books that aren't about running the world or war or dead babies) sounds pretty freaking amazing. We'll see.

Brr.

I got an email from my mom yesterday that read something like this: “You haven’t called and you aren’t even updating your blog. Are you ok?!” The answer (which, being a good daughter, I told her in a phone call last night) is that yes, I am ok, just taking “real” college classes for the first time (not intros) and that keeps me very, very busy, especially with everything else I’m doing on the side this semester. But it’s a good busy, really.

The weather is extremely cold- last night we watched WeatherBug, hoping that we would get up to a whole degree, not just .4 of one. But it’s definitely manageable. I can’t stand being outside much more than the 10-15 minutes it takes to get from building to building, but I can handle that. The weirdest part is when you’re outside, the mucous in your nose starts to freeze, and suddenly it feels like you have very huge boogers in your nose. It goes back to normal soon after getting back inside. I really thought the weather was going to be a lot worse that it has been so far. I was expecting feet of snow, driving wind all the time, and the rumored permacloud (solid cloud wall for months). We have a foot of snow and the natives here are like “wow, I can’t believe we got so much so fast! This hasn’t happened in years!” I mean, schools are cancelled, and have been for a few days. Oh. Ok. Maybe I overdid the worrying. There is also no permacloud to be seen. It’s about half cloudy and half sunny. The wind is bad when it’s here, but it’s not omnipresent.

Maybe I should be thanking God rather than complaining. Hmm.

Of course, Joey is coping much better than I am. Only Joey would complain, when it is literally 1 degree outside, that he got too hot on the way over from his dorm. Yes, in one degree weather, my boyfriend managed to be overdressed. Good grief.

The Dorm Formal Pictures

AAAHH

Life has been SO FREAKING BUSY lately, but maybe things are starting to settle into a routine for the semester? Just so that my loves back home won't think I've fallen off the face of the earth, here's what's going on in my life- maybe soon I can start posting something coherent again.

Friday I fell on the uber-slippery ice and smacked my tailbone, so I spent most of Friday afternoon/evening/night chilling on my futon trying to be comfortable. Joey even ordered in dinner for me. But the upside was I got to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith instead of decorating the dorm for our spirit week, which was a pretty good tradeoff. I love my understanding RA.

Yesterday Joey and I attempted to navigate the public transportation system and get to Target, despite our respective injuries (his foot/shin has been having issues since the March). We ended up spending all of the morning and the first half of the afternoon on this endeavor. It was necessary, but it makes me really really want a car. I got Chick-fil-A at the mall to console myself. It worked.

Last night was my dorm's formal, which was infinitely better than the halloween dance and pretty much a blast. I'll try to get pictures up later. I looked decent considering my mom's best friend wasn't around to do my hair. The best part was that it snowed many inches last night before the dance started but after the plows had retired for the day, so we trekked over to the dance, which was held in a building about ten minutes away, with me wearing sweatpants under my dress, boots, and a parka and trying to keep my hem out of the snow. Good times.

Right now I'm holed up in the library doing homework. In between everything else, little of that has gotten done this weekend. Tonight I'm lectoring at our dorm's spirit week's closing Mass, at which the president of the university happens to be presiding. Apparently there's a wine and cheese reception to follow? I kid you not. They better have grape juice for us little ones.

I think that's everything. OH and I watched ND beat Villanova yesterday in men's basketball, which was ridiculously intense. Tomorrow night Joey and I start our Latin dancing class- I'm pretty excited. Ok, now maybe that's everything. Back to work. :-)

Hesburgh rocks the casbah

Tonight the extraordinary man known as Fr. Ted Hesburgh hung out in my dorm's chapel and shared a few stories and words of wisdom. My favorite:

"Yeah, they've got bright kids, but you're bright kids. Ok, they've got some stuff that we don't, I guess- like dope."
-Father Theodore Martin Hesburgh, on Harvard

The best part is, he has every right to say that because he worked there for a while as chairperson of the board of faculty or something like that. He's my hero.

Good grief, I misspelled the title of my last post.

I'm back (again)- this time from a long weekend in D.C.

Stories and details might be forthcoming if homework allows, of which there is currently a large amount. And by large, I mean ginourmous.

But the upside is, I just spent the weekend touring DC and protesting about a cause I believe in (the annual March for Life was yesterday) with some of the best friends I have at ND. Totally, completely, 100% worth it.

Committments thus far this semester

Subtitle: Not to impress anyone, but so I can look back on my insane self and laugh.

• 5 classes, plus P.E. (none are only freshman now. all were last semester. I just launched myself into real college classes)
• Take Ten- working in a local community learning center to teach violence-prevention and conflict-resolution techniques.
  
• Latin dancing class with Joseph.
• Freshman Peer Leaders Small Group (and occaisionally Big Group), Right to Life, Peace Fellowship, Four:7, and maybe Amnesty.
  
• Working 3 hours/ week in the music department, plus weekend events.
• Guitar II- an extra expense, but if I don't continue now, I'll lose what I've learned on the instrument all over again, and I WILL NOT take Guitar I again. Ew.
• Maybe photographing for Scholastic?
• And of course basketball games, hockey games, Chicago trips, and everything else that comes with being a ND student.
• Maybe I should make time for Joey and friends, too.

I'm scared and excited.

Very full weeks

So I know I haven't posted for over a week, and normally this is blasphemy, but I promise I've been super busy. Really. Early Wednesday I left for my Urban Plunge experience in Mobile, AL- an educational seminar on urban poverty in which I was exposed to just about every major charity in Mobile. I got back late Friday night, at which point I ditched my suitcase, threw my toiletry bag in my other suitcase, and took it with me camping near Rutledge, GA, arriving at our cabin around midnight. I hung out with my beautiful Girl Scout friends, then came home early Sunday morning to shower, wash clothes, and go to Mass. Mom repacked my stuff ingeniously such that all of my belongings and a sleeping bag fit into two bags. Then Dad and I were off to the airport, and the rest of the day Sunday was spent travelling back to Notre Dame. Today I bought my books, freaked out at the price tag, re-bought my books using many gift cards on Amazon.com, unpacked all of my stuff, caught up on email, watched Moulin Rouge, and made cappuccino cookie dough milkshakes.

Tomorrow classes start again. Fortunately I have only one class tomorrow, as my other one isn't meeting yet. But this one class happens to be known as Continental Political Thought, and it involves ten large books by authors like Weber, Nietzsche, and Marx. Plans for later in the week include more first classes, breaking it to my Monday professors that I won't be in class on Monday, and a trip to D.C. to walk in the March for Life, a huge abortion protest and rally.

I should probably be intimidated, but right now, I'm too tired.

Random List of Things

• More people at church thought I was already gone than knew that I was still here. Maybe I'm being subconcsiously asked to leave? [just kidding. the real reason is that most of my friends at church are starting to show their old age through memory loss- Greg, I'm looking at you ;-) ]
• I've only seen my blogging pal and writing inspiration Bego in person once, and very briefly, while I've been home. But I've read all of her blog entries while I've been on break.
  
• I discovered while at the cabin in the mountains that it is very very easy to become used to staying up late with Joey and falling asleep against him on the couch when I was just too sleepy to stay up any more, knowing that in an hour or so he would wake me up and make me go sleep in my real bed. Now he's in Florida and I miss that way more than I thought I would. Good thing there are parietals at ND, or I could really learn to live like that.
• I started my very own Blockbuster card tonight. Wait, all that means is I get to pay my own late fees. Crap.
• I've been buying books much more than I've been reading them. I've only finished one book over break. I blame Merton and his denseness and the weirdness of the other book I'm reading.
• BUT in defense of my spending habits, I didn't buy any movies or CDs when out shopping with Joey last night, even though he did. I think it's been a year since I bought a CD, and I've never bought any music on iTunes. I just borrow my friends' CDs and stagger when I open CDs I get for Xmas and my birthday.
  
• Being a Girl Scout lent me a lot of prestige in the mountains, especially in the areas of fire-building, smore-making, and horseback riding. I left the fishing to the boys, though.
  
• Joey spent a Barnes and Noble gift card on a Snoopyopoly game last night, and it's amazing. The most expensive property (next to Go) is Joe Cool's sunglasses.
  I'm such a sucker for all things Peanuts.

How to destroy my self confidence in ten seconds or less

Tomorrow afternoon, I depart with the Boy for some quality time in the mountains with him, his parents, his older brother, and his brother's girlfriend. In the days leading up to this trip, I have been very excited about it, mostly because I hope it will be fun and relaxing and good for all relationships involved.

Then, on the phone with the Boy tonight, he dropped this beautiful comment:

"And there's a hot tub at the cabin, so we can enjoy that..."

The ironic thing is, I asked him when we were still up at Notre Dame whether or not I ought to bring a swimsuit home in my limited suitcase space. We decided no, that was silly, why would I go swimming in December? Yes, dear readers, both of my swimsuits are hundreds of miles away in Indiana.

It's not that huge of a deal, really; I could potentially wear shorts and a t-shirt in said hot tub, or procure a cheap suit tomorrow sometime. But it triggered a whole host of other issues. My legs aren't shaved, I'm out of shape, I've gained a little weight during the food fest that my break has become, etc. These led to feelings of discomfort, anxiety, and general unhappiness, of course accompanied by natural envy of Joey's brother's girlfriend, who is gorgeous and will have no problem looking great in a bikini. I'm worried about how I'll look in a one-piece. All of this sent me reeling into a fanatically depressed anxious introverted mental fetal position. It doesn't take much to push me off the edge, huh?

So now I find myself hopelessly awake at 3 AM, worried to pieces about my ability to be generally cheerful and fun to be around with people I'm apparently not all that comfortable with for days. I'm ok with Joey's parents, but I haven't spent nearly enough time around Eric and Meghan. Yes, you read right, somehow a minor swimsuit incident led to a complete loss of faith in my social skills.

What else is there to do at this point but blog about it, laugh at myself, and hope that someone else will laugh with me? I'm obviously not backing out of the trip based on something so minor. I will end up being ok, probably embarassing myself a few times and never entirely relaxing around Eric and Meghan, but parts of it will be fun. This is one of those beautiful times in life when you bite the bullet and hope for the best.

I spend way too much time organizing my life

I end up going overboard with the whole internet/ connectivity/ online organization thing. I just get so excited at starting new ways to share things- thoughts, photos, opinions, wants. It's silly, but can lead to good things if done in moderation.

That being said, I spent quite some time this evening exploring 43things.com, and its interconnected sister sites, 43people.com, allconsuming.net, and listsofbests.com. This is New Years resolutions to the extreme, and much more. It's all really pretty interesting- people swap opinions on books, movies, food, places, destinations, other users, famous people, and lists. Just go browse around, it's much more fun to look around than to read a description.

I also have decided to give this photo-a-day-for-a-year trend a try. It might actually happen, it might not, but when better to try than the first day of the year? I started a new blog just for these photos- flashbulb365.blogspot.com.

At this point, I know at least Maria, Joey, and my mother are snickering at me, but I love doing stuff like this. It's like looking at the first clean page of a beautiful notebook or filling a plain piece of cheesecloth with stitches. It's so exciting to me. :-P

Yep, I'm ready to go back.

Being home is nice for a while, but eventually exuberance at my return starts to fade, and I remember why I loved the idea of going far away to college in the first place. I love my family and my high school friends, but right now I also love that I will be mostly out of town for the next couple of weeks and then back at school. So it goes.

Love.

Sometimes I find myself in a beautiful state in which I can't love everyone enough. In these moments of clarity, which are the closest thing I have to being in touch with God, I realize how much I love everyone and that if I could maintain this state of love, I could maybe convince others to love too, and the world would slowly become a place in which everyone loved and was loved. And that would be heaven. These moments have been coming with more frequency and intensity. At the same time, though, I know how much I fall short of being able to love like this every minute. When I am touched by this feeling, I want to call everyone on my cell phone and thank them for living, or hug everyone at Mass during the sign of peace and make them feel how much I care about them. I could never keep that up, though, because I am not perfect. So I say that this is when I am the most in touch with God because I think that's who God is, and who God's calling me to be. Phrases like "Everlasting Love" start to make sense, in that moment. And the more times it happens the more I want to find a way to make it keep happening, so that my whole life will be lived for and in Love. To me, God is the one who shows me how to love, motivates me to think that this life is the one I should be living, and forgives me when I can't quite make it there. And from there, everything else begins to make sense. Christ's birth. Christ's sacrifice. The Trinity. The Chrurch. These are all topics for other posts, and I couldn't possibly explain everything now. I want to live like this and share this and be this. I don't know if it even makes any sense, but this mystery in my heart is so deep and true that it has to be right, somehow. And I feel like I have to share it as much as possible.

Top Ten Things That Excite Me at 3AM on Friday Morning

1. The idea of going to the mountains with Joey and his family for good relaxing fun with my second family (I was adopted).
2. A scarf with pockets AND cute tassels. Kudos to my aunt for getting it for me, and Bath and Body Works for making it.
3. The distinct possiblility that I will be attending a New Years Eve party for the first time in my life (as opposed to sitting at home trying to get my parents to wake up for the Big Moment).
   
4. My computer being alive (it was completely unresponsive earlier, but then I realized that while the charger was plugged into my laptop, the other end was not in an outlet).
5. Introduction to Peace Studies with Professor George Lopez. In fact, I'm so excited about this one that I nearly want to run up to Notre Dame and make him start class right now.
6. My quickly approaching camping weekend with my Girl Scout lovelies!
7. Star Wars IV, A New Hope. I watched it with my little brother tonight, and I fell in love with Star Wars all over again. I had almost forgotten how rich the universe is, how complex the characters, how well-coceived the plot! George Lucas, I love you almost as much as George Lopez.
8. A date tonight with my darling boyfriend, who abides even my most withdrawn moods.
   
9. That a lovely pair of ankle-high water-proof suede Lands End boots I've had my eye on just went on sale. With the help of a gift card (from the same aunt who gave me the above-mentioned scarf), I will be able to purchase said boots for approximately $2. Now I need to figure out where to ship them to (home and have to find room in my luggage for them? or ND and hope that someone will take them from the nice UPS man for me?)
10. My cold finally letting go of its grip on my nasal cavities. Trust me, this is a very, very good thing.
    

Amusing tidbits

My Christmas, aside from the usual good food, time with family, and early Christmas morning, involved several uniquely humorous moments:

• The guy in the front row of our Christmas Eve Mass spontaneously raised his hand and his wife's hand high in the air every time our pastor mentioned that we were happy to see all of the visitors present.
• I got a new aunt and a new uncle in one week (on different sides of the family, and both from slightly scandalous eloping type things)
• The family cat loathed the sight of my extremely pet-loving aunt, and flatly refused all of her friendly advances
• Mark won a video game after playing it for two days straight (which he has never done)
• The cat, who was finally allowed to look at the Christmas tree, ignored the ornaments completely and nibbled on the needles instead. Silly kitten.
• Just because it was my second Christmas at the Boy's house, and I had met everyone there several times except for one person, didn't mean that I could escape comments such as "I like this one better than the last one." Nearly 14 months is a pretty long trial period from my point of view. Good to know I passed the test.
• I realized halfway to the Boy's house that I probably would get arrested if I hit a police road block because I was carrying wine from my parents to his. I later refused to carry more wine from his parents to mine.
  
• My mom, at a local natural history museum, commented loudly about how an ancient Roman surgical tool looked exactly like what is used today to clear out excess ear wax in older patients.
  
• I learned how to knit. Ok, that's not amusing, but I'm proud of it.

Now go share that smile on your face from reading this post with someone else. Merry Christmas!

Prince of Peace

At times I wonder how I can be so educated in my faith (13.5 years of formal Catholic education and counting) yet so clueless. Perhaps this somewhat rambling self-examination is out of place in the silence before what promises to be a happy Christmas morning, but I am wide awake and thinking.

Tonight at Mass I proclaimed (in a rather nasily, congested way) the traditional Christmas vigil passage from Isaiah, which includes the words, "The Prince of Peace... will rule with justice and peace now and forever. The love of our God will make this happen!"

My (somewhat predictable) quandary is summurized in this eloquent poem, which I found on Kristy's blog tonight:

A Christmas Ghost-Story
By Thomas Hardy

South of the Line, inland from far Durban,

A moldering soldier lies—your countryman.

Awry and doubled up are his gray bones,

And on the breeze his puzzled phantom moans

Nightly to clear Canopus: “I would know

By whom and when the All-Earth-gladdening Law

Of Peace, brought in by that Man Crucified,

Was ruled to be inept, and set aside?

And what of logic or of truth appears

In tacking ‘Anno Domini’ to the years?

Near twenty-hundred liveried thus have hied,

But tarries yet the Cause for which He died.”

To put it bluntly: what happened to Christ's peace?

I believe the traditional Catholic answer would go something like this:
God, who continually tries to bring us into closer relationship with Him, intends for Peace on Earth/ the Kingdom of God to come about not through any imposed method, but through God working among humanity. Christ came to show us how, and the Holy Spirit fills us to enable us to work for our own peace. God wants us to choose to re-create ourselves through His grace. Christ brought the salvation we seek, but not in the form of a traditional ruler: our servant-king offers us peace as a gift to be chosen.

That all makes sense. At some level, I think (at least I hope) that I accept it. But it's all too easy to look at human history since Christ's coming and ask if we've improved at all. I think it would be hard to answer positively. The easy road is to look at the sharp contrast between the true Christian way of life and our world today and despair of the two ever coinciding.

Is it possible? Well, it hasn't happened yet, so it's easy to say no. Faith calls us to say yes, and to work towards the realization of that possibility. It's not so much that I disagree that it's possible; what gnaws at me is the gap between the possibility and the realization.

"... will rule with justice and peace now..."
This is the part I struggle with the most. Where's the now? I see the possibility, the hope for the future, but the now?
The answer that comes to mind is that the Prince of Peace can rule over our hearts now, and through that process His Peace can spread to the rest of the world. Thus, I come face to face with the unavoidable personal nature of my abstract questions: my personal relationship with God is the key to how I can offer Christ's peace to the world. It's also unavoidable that our relationship is not what it should be. My common, honest excuse is that prayer is awkward and I am busy. But it seems that if I'm going to go through with my current course of study (political science/ peace studies) and choice of career, things are going to have to change in this area of my life, so that it is no longer an area of my life but truly is my life. I suppose I've known that all along.

Merry Christmas. Welcome, Prince of Peace.

Christmas Eve Eve greetings

Thus far, my break has been full of good times with friends and family, although the last two days I've spent mostly moping around the house, thanks to a lovely virus my father bequeathed to me. No, he's not dead, I just like the sound of the word bequeath, and maybe I like sounding like I know/ use big words. Hm. I'm supposed to lector tomorrow night; that will require lots of Claritin and cough drops, but shouldn't be too difficult.

Also, I've given up on my Grand Christmas Day Dinner* because: 1) I'm sick 2) My family doesn't really want it anyway, but would have put up with it if I'd done it 3) No one can agree on what meat they want 4) We're so pitiful that my boyfriend's mom, who has her own family plus four staying-at-their-house relatives to cook for, offered to help me. Good grief, I said. We're doing sandwiches, and maybe Mom will make lasagne. I want to go to Waffle House, personally. They're open on Christmas, you know. My mother's laid-back attitude about whether this Christmas is at all traditional has infected me. I don't care that much. As long as Mark, the resident little kid, is happy, life is good.

*I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in a post around Thanksgiving time, but my parents are working through Christmas, being the good doctors that they are. To be fair, they haven't had to do this since I think when I was nine or so. I got into my head that the appropriate counter-measure to save Christmas would be me making a huge homemade meal.

A final bit of holiday cheer: my father and little brother have been gone for hours in the van (not my dad's little sedan). This makes my mother and I think that they might be purchasing a small elephant in some far-off country, because really, the two don't do well together for very long, and Dad refused to tell Mom where he was going. Or maybe they just went to Hooters.

True Story

Once upon a time, three friends, known as Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller, Marguerite the Lovingly Obnoxious, and Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner, sat comfortably in a warm kitchen, all recently returned from fantastic adventures. After a good deal of conversation sprinkled liberally with laughter, one of the three, Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner, received a call from another friend, Katherine the Brave Doubter, who excitedly reported that she would be returning that very night. The three rejoiced that Katherine the Brave Doubter would soon be in their midst again. Marguerite the Lovingly Obnoxious enthusiastically suggested that they all partake of a simple quest for the nectar of the gods, ice cream, later that night.

Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller sighed despondently. She knew that she had been summoned by the People of Village Far Far Away to return to her home that evening. But her face brightened! Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller heroically proposed that she trek forth to her village and then return later in the evening, when Katherine the Brave Doubter had arrived. Marguerite the Lovingly Obnoxious and Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner cheered with great fervor at this plan.

Eventually the three friends parted, excited that their adventure would commence in a few hours hence.

Alas, while Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller managed to escape the grasp of the People of Village Far Far Away, she was not a resident of the Great Kingdom inhabited by the other three, and became desperately lost in the gloomy dark streets. Her friends valiantly tried to their agreed-upon meeting point, known as Sheridan’s Frozen Custard, but by the time their attempts were successful and all four friends had met at the spot, the store had darkened its windows and locked its frozen custard cases.

Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner rallied her friends, reminding them that their quest demanded that they continue their search for ice cream. Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller abandoned her carriage so that all could travel together with Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner. Reassured, the four set out on what proved to be the most demanding quest of their lives.

They searched high and low in the Great Kingdom for establishment that would provide them with their sought-after ice cream. The group covered three Dairy Queens, two Brusters, two McDonalds, and a Sonic in their quest. The defeats suffered at the Sonic and a McDonalds were particularly crushing. The drive-in Sonic restaurant boasted bright lights and several parked cars, strong signs that this would be the end of the great quest. The friends selected their frozen treats from the bright menus, but when Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner attempted to order through their communications system, a man in a vehicle parked next to theirs delivered the sad news: the establishment had just closed.

At this point, the group was quite despondent. Marguerite the Lovingly Obnoxious had exhausted her supply of witty insults for the moment, and the music that Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner played to give cheer in between defeats no longer caused heads to nod in beat. Katherine the Brave Doubter boldly suggested that they succumb to the pressure of finding a reputable ice cream store and instead eat of the lesser goods of the twenty-four-hour Baskin Robbins. Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner would hear nothing of it, and through her efforts the group had the strength to carry on.

The worst was yet to come, however. The group came upon a 24-hour McDonalds, and their hopes soared as they imagined the taste of McFlurries. They eagerly pulled into the drive through line and searched the menu for their frozen treats. But, they were not to be found! The group sighed collectively, but decided to settle for milkshakes instead. Elizabeth the Courageous Vehicle-Owner once again attempted to order for the group. But a woman’s voice delivered a crushing blow instead of sweet victory: this McDonalds had no ice cream of any kind.

Stunned into submission, the group almost gave up hope. But then, miraculously, another 24-hour McDonalds was recalled, a distance away. But that was nothing to the brave four compared to the joy of consuming ice cream. Off they went, and at last, after a long and difficult journey, they were successful. So great was their shared bliss that they sat in silence in the darkened car, gobbling their well-earned treats. Of course visiting ten separate stores was worth this prize.

Laura the Awkward Village-Dweller was returned to her vehicle, and all eventually drifted to their places of residence, sugar buzzed and still smiling from their glorious adventure.

The end.

P.S. photo documentaion of the grand adventure is available at http://flickr.com/photos/gingercrinkle/.

New Chapter in Sibling-hood

My little brother, Mark, is seven years younger than me. We've generally gotten along pretty well, considering the age difference and that I often filled in as his second mom when I was in high school (both of our parents are diehardly wonderful workaholics). Now, however, he has entered that stage known alternatively as Tweenhood and Middle School Syndrome. It's a dark and scary place.

Where I was once the trusted wiser older sister, I am now often scorned and flatly ignored. I assumed that he, being a boy, would go through this with our parents, but I never thought it would mess up our relationship, especially since I'm mostly off at college and not a part of his daily life. But it seems (at least to his somewhat hurt older sister) that he's transferred the insolence he can't show towards his parents to me.

He's always made fun of me, and I of him, but this has a different, meaner edge to it. He has no regard for my opinions, or if he does, he would prefer to keep that appreciation internal and instead negate everything I suggest. For example, in the car on the way to an evening at a friend's house tonight, he was sulking because Mom had been abrupt with him, which was understandable considering that her day had been long, busy, and rough, and we were rushing to get everything together to go. I suggested that perhaps now was not the time to be angry with Mom, citing said long, rough day. He looked at me like I was from another planet, rolled his eyes, and muttered, "Whatever."

I've never been set on dominating him- I'd much rather be his friend, and share with him my life goals and what's going on in my fast-paced world. I'd like to hear about his hopes and dreams too. But the open happy relationship that was mostly still there at fall break now seems closed off. He's a good kid, at heart, but I sometimes can't see that for his selfishness (alhough maybe that comes from him being so anxious?).

He's just not as mature as I thought; he's got some growing up to do. Maybe I do too. Maybe I'm expecting too much. He just has so few people he holds close to his heart enough to trust. I've been one of those people; I've cradled him when he's been crying and afraid all throughout his life. Maybe I'm resentful that he's distancing himself from me- but maybe he had to because I left. I don't know. But I wish he could see the quiet daggers he stabs in my heart every time he looks at me in that oh-my-gosh-you-are-so-dumb-how-did-I-ever-look-up-to-you way.

Sometimes the old Mark shines through, though, and he's giggling and excited. He was like his old self when he was playing with our friends' dogs tonight. And maybe he doesn't mean the things he says to sound so mean- maybe they're meant to be funny, but I'm taking it to personally. I don't know.



Dear Santa,
For Christmas, I want my little brother back.
Love, Laura

eery

This either describes me or who I want to be- I can't figure out which.

You're To Kill a Mockingbird!

by Harper Lee

Perceived as a revolutionary and groundbreaking person, you have
changed the minds of many people. While questioning the authority around you, you've
also taken a significant amount of flack. But you've had the admirable guts to
persevere. There's a weird guy in the neighborhood using dubious means to protect you,
but you're pretty sure it's worth it in the end. In the end, it remains unclear to you
whether finches and mockingbirds get along in real life.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Oh dear. This was only the top school on my list for all of high school, before I changed my mind at the last minute. Maybe it would have been a better school for me... I'll never really know, I guess, but I plan to go here for grad school eventually. Oh, ignore the description, that so isn't me.

You're Georgetown University!

A bit of a lapsed Catholic, you still pay lip service to the faith,
depending on who you're talking to. At the same time, you're more interested in
politics than religion and can't help but be swept away by patriotism from time
to time. While you aren't that soft-spoken, you still seem like a good candidate
for diplomacy. Though you love bulldogs, you'd never admit that that's what
they're called.


Take the University Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Bilbo: "I, uh, I h-have things to do." [fidgets with the Ring behind his back. Whispers to himself] "I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce — this is The End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye."
[Bilbo puts the Ring on and vanishes.]

Hobbits: "Ooh!"


Goodbye until next year, Notre Dame!

Anticipation

The prompt at Sunday Scribblings this week is Anticipation. I haven't done one of these before, but I don't think a random prompt from someone who doesn't know me will ever be more appropriate to my life.

Most of my clothes are in two suitcases. Zed the red flowered plant currently lacking flowers has been relocated to the chapel, where some kind soul has offered to water the dorm's plants. My guitar is hiding in the chapel's confessional so it won't melt or warp or otherwise become damaged in our overly heated room with no ventilation. Christmas cards have been sent to my friends around campus, and a few gifts have been given and received. The fridge is off and defrosted. All that remains is to close my laptop, unplug its power cord, and stick it in my backpack.

I'm going home tomorrow. I am so ready. It's not that I don't like it here, or wouldn't be able to keep working and living here were there no break in sight, but a month at home sounds absolutely beautiful right now. I miss my family, non-dining hall food, sweet tea, warmer weather, my church, my pre-college friends. I miss being alone. I miss having the time to sit by myself for hours, reading and cross-stitching and listening to music. I miss the comfort of my room, where I've slept for as long as I can remember (until now, of course). All of this and more is what excites me about being home.

A part of me is worried, too. I don't know if my excellent relationship with my family will continue when we're around each other for more than a week, and I don't like fussing with my family. I hope I won't get bored or restless. That's been a big problem in my large amounts of free time this week- I had two finals Monday and then nothing until today, so Tuesday and Wednesday were spent doing a lot of nothing. But it wasn't comfortable, you know? I've been on overdrive all semester, and it feels weird to be able to relax and not worry about deadlines. Is that bad? I also have a lot of anxiety running through my head regarding the priest situation I mentioned a few posts ago. My rector wrote him a note asking him to leave me alone, but I'm terrified that he'll find me during the break. I have no clue what I would do.

Basically, I'm filled with a lot of anticipation, good and bad, and as with most things, I wish it would just HAPPEN already. I believe that anticipation can be good, but I also dislike being in such a state. Which is why I will distract myself with a book now. Good night, my lovely readers.

That was close

I just narrowly missed sleeping through a final. I have no clue how it happened, but somehow, I did not wake up when my alarms went off but at 8:15. The final started at 8. How I managed to wake up spontaneously at 8:15 instead of 12:15 is an act of God. I'm pretty sleep deprived. I pulled a hoodie on, hoofed it to my classroom 25 minutes late, and took the exam with time to spare. It was soc, and it's a really easy class, so no big deal. I was very rational through the whole process: ok, ten minutes to walk to class, taking the final is no problem, the only issue will be if she doesn't let you walk in late, but she's nice and won't do that.

Let it be known that I have never done something like this before. I almost missed a flight from oversleeping this semester, but never something like a test. I'm an academic perfectionist. Even now, I'm worrying in the back of my head about a multiple choice question I got wrong. Good grief, I say. Regardless, my finals are over, and I just printed my last paper.

I feel like a college student now.

December 12 of 12

My 12 of 12 is here.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Go here.

Argh, blogger. Why do you delete my posts?

Summary of the huge thing I had typed up (cough, before meanie blogger deleted it, cough):

• Two exams down, one exam and one paper to go. Life is better now.
• I'm not scared out of my mind about doing eight weeks of service. I feel like that's the normal reaction, but I don't personally feel that way. Somehow, without me noticing it, I learned how to trust God. Now that's scary. But very, very right.
• I picked my Christmas charity of choice: Catholic Relief Services.
• This article in the Times today about Kofi Annan made me smile. Way to say what desperately needs to be said in as kind a manner as possible. The last few sentences were so unnecessary for the article, but I will admit they made me smile too.
  

I'm standing on the edge of me

Nothing quite so dramatic, but I'm listening to "On Fire" by Switchfoot and I love that line.
Haha, my iTunes shuffle just went to "Rhythm of the Night". Does that mean something?

Anyway. One of the people in my small group at the retreat I went to last weekend said something that has been so true this week. He said that in high school, you see people for a few hours every day, and then everyone goes home and has time to unwind. Here, you people all the time, in all different moods. Being frustrated, or exhausted, or depressed is much harder to hide in such close quarters. Everyone's stressing over finals. Some are sick, too, which totally sucks. We're all pulling hours pouring over textbooks and doing practice exams. I think that most of us know somewhere in the back of our minds that ten years from now, our scores on these finals won't really matter, but you wouldn't be able to tell that from how seriously we're taking the goings-on of next week.

It's like standing on the edge of a cliff. We've studied and studied and wish that it we could just JUMP, already.

And all of that tension and anxiety and impatience inevitably finds its relief through annoyance with others. Interaction right now is kinda like walking over ice while having no clue how thick it is. It could break at any time.

Yeah, we're going to need that month-long break. Badly.

In other news, Notre Dame is in the Sugar Bowl, but I didn't get a ticket from the lottery. I was divided over whether I wanted to go anyway- I had no clue how I would get there, it would be a big expensive hassle, I've already had the best away game experience ever (yesss I so swam in Spartan stadium on 9/23/06), and I've never watched a game with my family. It all worked out for the best. Go Irish!

Final bit of news... I got into the SSLP program through the Center for Social Concerns. Meaning that I will spend eight weeks of my summer somewhere in the US immersed in a non-profit, working with the poor and disadvantaged every day. I'm scared out of my mind, but I want to do this so much. As Maria noted in her post today, I know I'll learn way more from them than I could give to them. I still have to do a placement interview to find out where I'll be. This is probably the most adventurous, taking-it-on-faith thing I've ever done, but it feels right. I feel as called to this as I have to everything else that's been a right choice in my life. But at the same time, I'm only human and- eek.

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you, because you got to me
In a way words can't describe.
I'm getting into you, because I've got to be
You're essential to survive.
-Relient K, "Getting Into You"

Reply

I thought this deserved a post instead of a lurking comment.
Margaret: "I do wish you would talk about your feelings about the priesthood."

In retrospect, I shouldn't have even mentioned it if I didn't want to talk about it, huh? Without going into particulars, I've had doubts about whether priests (specifically of the Roman Catholic variety, as that's my denomination of choice) can ever really be celibate. Which I suppose comes down to a discussion of whether God's grace is powerful enough to help them to overcome their sexual tendencies. It's not so much a logical argument as an emotional and personal one.

Oh good grief. I hate being vague. Without sharing too many details, a priest made me feel deeply uncomfortable right before I left for college. I'm still backpedaling. For a while, I took out my sense of betrayal from this one priest on all priests, and treated my theo prof pretty horribly at the beginning of the semester, poor guy. I'm past that stage, fortunately, but I'm not at the point of casual comfortable conversation with priests yet. It's an awkward place to be for a practicing Roman Catholic.

Too funny not to blog about

God has been messing with me again. I was given the choice of taking my theology final or talking to the priest/professor for half an hour. I can SO see Jesus' smirk. Good grief.

I survived the interview.

( I suppose this wouldn't be funny unless you know about my recent unhappiness with the priesthood in general... but this isn't really the place to talk about that. Sorry )

I'm off to go write Christmas cards now, er, I mean study. Notre Dame (and most schools) do this awesome thing wherein they give us a couple of days off before finals. I have Christmas music on, a warm room, and pretty cards. I'm excited.

Don't feel compelled to read this. I got bored.

All about yourself...the survey.
All about yourself...
First name?::	Laura
Middle name?::	Elizabeth
Like your name?::	yes, but I think it's funny how my parents gave me and my brother their names as our middle names :-P
Named after anyone?::	not technically, but the name Laurent is pretty popular on my dad's side of the family
Any nicknames?::	not particularly
Age?::	18
Birthdate?::	8/19/1988
Birthplace?::	Rockdale Hospital
Time you were born?::	um... in the evening? 6 something?
Current location?::	dorm room
Height?::	5'6"
Like your height?::	yup
Eye color?::	blue gray
Contacts/glasses?::	nope
Hair color?::	reddish blondish brownish
Natural hair color?::	yup
Dye your hair often?::	never
Righty or lefty?::	righty
Your favorite...
Type of music?::	rock/alternative
Band or singer?::	oof. Relient K
TV show?::	Star Trek Voyager, closely followed by MASH
Movie?::	Life is Beautiful
TV channel?::	I don't watch enough TV to have a favorite
Radio station?::	I never listen to the radio now that I'm not driving
Place to be?::	with happy people who care about me
Thing to do?::	laugh
Food?::	ChickFilA fries
Non alcoholic drink?::	most things starbucks
Alcoholic drink?::	I wouldn't know, now would I?
Animal?::	tie between panda bear and penguin
Holiday?::	Triduum
Season?::	Lent; secularly speaking, spring
Sport?::	soccer when not in ND football season
Place to shop?::	used bookstores
Clothing brand?::	Old Navy
Scent?::	the Boy's cologne
Restaurant?::	oh good grief. anything italian, I can't narrow that down
Fruit?::	apple
Vegetable?::	corn and carrots
Fast food restaurant?::	ChickFilA!!!!!
Pizza topping?::	lotsa cheese
Ice cream flavor?::	cookies & cream
Magazine?::	the Economist
City?::	DC
Color?::	navy blue
Number?::	3
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla?::	chocolate
Pepsi or coke?::	coke! I'm from GA!
Hot or cold?::	hot
Black or white?::	black
Dog or cat?::	dog
French toast or pancakes?::	pancakes, with chocolate chips
French fries or onion rings?::	french fries! from chickfila
Hamburger or hot dog?::	hamburger w/ cheese from the varsity
Pepperoni or sausage?::	... neither? I'll go for real german sausage though
Britney or Christina?::	yuck. Virgin Mary?
McDonalds or Burger King?::	yuck. Chickfila
50 Cent or Eminem?::	yuck. I don't even have an alternative for this one.
Canada or Mexico?::	Cananda, as it's the home of one of my best friends
Hug or kiss?::	... that would have depend on the giver of said affectionate motion
Movies or TV?::	movies
Truth or dare?::	truth!
Do you...
Shower daily?::	not ususally, more like every other day
Sing in the shower?::	nope
Like to sing?::	yes
Like to dance?::	very much so, when I know how to well
Smoke?::	ugh no
Drink?::	not yet
Cuss?::	not when I can help it
Talk to yourself?::	hahaha oh yes
Believe in yourself?::	I believe in God's power to work through the imperfect being that is me.
Play an instrument?::	Learning guitar
Go to school?::	yup
Go to college?::	yup
Have a job?::	yup!
Like your job?::	don't know, haven't started yet
Want to get married?::	yup, if its in God's plan
Want to have kids?::	yup, if it's in God's plan
Get along with your parents?::	mostly, more so now that I hardly ever see them
Get along with your siblings?::	mostly. sometimes. on good days.
Drive?::	when I have a car... i.e. when I'm home
Random...
Do you think you're trustworthy?::	yes
Think your funny?::	hahaha not really, but I try so hard that my attempts are funny
Ever toilet papered someones house?::	nope
Gone garbage can tipping?::	nope
What are your parents names?::	Jim and Elizabeth
Siblings names?::	Mark
Do you wash your hands frequently?::	not that frequently...
How many time a day do you brush your teeth?::	1
Collect anything?::	receipts and tickets and other little things from fun outings
Ever been in love?::	yes
In love right now?::	yes
What color pants are you wearing right now?::	khaki
How does your hair look?::	in a pony tail, frizzy because I walked through falling snow without a hat on
Ever had your heartbroken?::	yup
Ever broken the law?::	I honestly don't think so. good grief, I need to get on that.
Been arrested?::	no
Been out of the country?::	Germany/Switzerland/Austria when I was in 8th grade, Canada numerous times, bahamas
Can you stick your fist in your mouth?::	no
When was the last time you got drunk?::	... never?
Do you do drugs?::	nope, aside from caffeine
When was the last time you were high on anything?::	never have been. this survey is pretty much an examination of how innocent I am.
Do you prefer the lights on or off?::	off unless I'm reading or trying to stay awake
Would you ever get plastic surgery?::	not unless necessary for health
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?::	um. not my problem.
Do you like to laugh?::	very much so
Ever had a bloody nose?::	hasn't everyone?
Have you ever caught a fish?::	yes
What was the last thing you ate?::	a churro
What time do you go to bed?::	varies, usually before 1
What's your favorite color?::	haven't we been through this already? navy blue
Do you like to give or recieve?::	both are important
Are you obsessed with anything/anyone?::	not that I can think of
Do you live alone?::	nope, I live in a dorm
Do you own a blender?::	no
Do you like the snow?::	I'm learning to
Ever been up a mountain?::	yeah, various mountains in the Smokeys and the Alps
Ever been rootin'?::	no.
Do you like surprises?::	most of the time
Take this survey | Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

the very hairs on my head are numbered

So, I've basically determined that stress from end of classes/ finals can spill over into every other area of life and make me pretty hard to live with. Sorry about that.

In better news: My one conclusion from the retreat I went on last weekend was that I suck at praying, and I really need to work on it. I determined that the best way of doing so was getting a spiritual director on campus, who could point me to good literature on the subject, and I would have a fine time getting to know God. Conveniently, it won't work logistics-wise for me to find a spiritual director until january, seeing as how this semester's about to end and then I'll be home for a month. So I happily put that particular goal on the back burner. You know how God has a sense of humor? Get this: a seminarian (now deacon) I met on xanga via my old blog years ago (we're talking freshman in highschool) went on my xanga and commented, asking me to email him. I did. He said that he'd been talking with another seminarian who happens to know me (they're both across the world in ROME, btw) and my name had come up. This other seminarian had thought that I was going through some rough times spiritually, and said so. So this seminarian I haven't talked to in years wrote me a long email asking if he could be of any help to me in my spiritual journey, if nothing else as someone to bounce questions off of. Um. So much for my lack of anyone to talk to about how to pray. Then, that night, I (for the first time ever) had about an hour of free time and decided to start one of the many books I brought to college with me. Hiding in a corner of my bookshelf were a few books that I bought at the bookstore at the Basilica in D.C. last winter. I kind of went crazy and bought whatever I thought would interest me. I haven't actually looked at any of them that much. One of them is called Prayer for Beginners by Peter Kreeft. In the introduction, Kreeft says that he himself is still a beginner at prayer, and this book is for those, like him, who feel that they are not good at praying but desire to become much better at it. It makes a lot of sense so far. I'm taking it slowly and hoping to let it sink in.

Um, wow. Way to go, God. Points for being on top of things. And yes, I'll still get a spiritual director next semester (or else some random person might just walk up to me and offer their services as such).

P.S. Zed has totally flatlined. The heat got to be too much for the poor guy, but we can't have the windows open when it hasn't gotten above freezing all week (to my knowledge). His stalks have slumped and his leaves are droopy. All of his flower heads have long since dried up. Water runs straight through him into his little water collecting plate, even though I pour the water in gradually and at different places. He's dead. Just as well, really, because I have no way of caring for him over my month-long break. Still, it's sad.

P.P.S. I guess I haven't mentioned it on here, but I got a job! With the Notre Dame Music Department, involving some office work and lots of running recitals. Weekend hours, but that's probably good for me. I'm excited. Even more so now that all of the nasty tax forms for it are done.

Christmas Wishes Revisited

Perhaps this whole asking people not to buy anything for me thing is more complicated than I thought. It's extremely counter-cultural, and maybe even selfish. I know that people want to buy me things as a sign of our relationship; there's a joy in knowing someone well enough to find a gift that would be perfect for them, and the joy in giving that gift is really a celebration of the relationship. By asking that people donate to a charity instead, I'm depriving them of the opportunity to give to me, it seems.

On the other hand, if gift-giving is supposed to be about giving the other person whatever would bring them the most joy, then undoubtedly I should feel justified in asking for people to donate to a charity, because it is genuinely what makes me the happiest. Here are my reasons why:

• I don't need or want any more stuff except for a few little things that I'll tell my family about. I have more stuff than can fit in my dorm room now, and still another roomful of stuff back home. I appreciate that people go through the time to find things just for me, but I don't want or need any more things.
  
• I go to lectures a lot. A significant portion of my time at ND so far has been spent learning about what's wrong with the world. I even took the most depressing class ever, Introduction to Social Problems. I do what I can grassroots activism-wise, but I know that money is what makes the world go round. I'm a collge student. I don't have money, or an income. This seems like my chance to give to those who really, really need it. Really. Not in a it would be nice way, but in a it will feed a child way.
• The more I learn, the more I want to go help fix things, and the more impatient I get. I know I need to be here. So people giving money would relieve some of that tension for me and would make me feel better about my extreme affluence relative to the poverty of the world. I have been given so much; it would make me happiest if those who haven't had the privelages I've had were given something too.
  

If people absolutely have to get me something, then I want something that involves the gift of time, not money. I want long letters. Tell me anything- how you're doing, how your family is doing, what you want to do this year, a favorite Christmas story, a favorite recipe- anything. I never get letters any more, and I would love to get beautiful letters from those I care about.

This was written primarily in response to one person's objections to my campaign (which he has since decided were wrong). I don't know if this post is necessary, and if not, sorry for cluttering my blog with it.

Announcement

I finally decided on something tonight that I've been debating about for a while. For Christmas this year, I'm going to have a small wish list of things I actually need, and then ask for every other "present" to be a donation. I haven't entirely decided on the charity, I have many favorites. It won't work, of course, and I'll still end up with lots of stuff, but my parents will probably be respectful of my wishes, and hopefully my friends. I live in two closets joined together with two other people. It has become very evident to me that I don't need more stuff. I don't wear jewelry or makeup, I have plenty of clothes now, I'm set with pretty much everything. I have a to-read book pile that takes up my entire bookshelf here and more back home. I do want other things sometimes, but I don't have room for them anyway, and this is a much better use of the money. I feel a lot better having decided this.

Otherwise, I'm stressed and nearing burnout. But that's what happens when you're a week and a half from finals, I've decided. I just keep in mind that in 2.5 weeks, it will all be over. Regardless of how it turns out, it's a comfort to know that soon it won't matter.

Off to go force myself to relax and such. Peace and love and happiness :-)

Somewhat belated thanksgiving thoughts

I feel very content right now. I skipped my PE class (we get 3 legal skips a semester, I've never used one and I had no assignments due today, plus I was sick of sitting through boring lectures, so I skipped. such a rebel) and came back to my dorm, where I popped open a frappucino (my sweet tea stores from my parents having been extinguished yesterday) and proceeded to practice guitar. I LOVE that I'll actually be really prepared for my lesson on Friday. She gave us a lot to work on, which made me practice a lot more. Normally, I can not practice and get by, so even though I want to practice, other things get higher priority. It's nice to make myself make time. Now that I'm all satisfied with guitar and perked up, I feel like blogging. hurray! let the introspection begin.


I've never eaten Thanksgiving dinner in a hotel restaurant before. Cracker Barrel, yes. But that's different. It's hard for any one to look lonely in happy, bustling, noisy Cracker Barrel. (if you don't know what I'm talking about, Cracker Barrel is the epitome of homestyle comfort food). The hotel restaurant was quiet, even though it was dinner time. There were maybe twenty people spread around the fairly-sized place. The atmosphere was best described as sleek, plain, and simple. It made lonely people stick out somehow, because there was no noise or warm lighting or pleasant decorations to make everything seem ok.

Several tables were occupied by only one person, mostly women, and mostly sipping something alcoholic with their meal while staring off into space. Why were they there, alone, and not with families or loved ones? Some wore suits, and it seemed plausible that they had to be in Chicago on business. For others it was not so clear, and my mother suggested that maybe they just had no place to go.

Now, I blame a lot of my deep-seated childhood issues on my parents for being busy doctors. Maybe some of that's justified, but probably not all of it. They were around sometimes on holidays, other times not. Sometime during the day on Thanksgiving, they sprung on me that this Christmas will be particularly interesting. My dad will be working at the hospital on Christmas day and in the ensuing week and my mother is handling the phone calls from all of the patients of the office while they're closed. I think she takes over hospital rounds and admissions when my dad gets off. My first reaction was CRAP, I'm going to have to find all of these families that I can bus Mark around to on Xmas day so he still has a Christmas.

Then we went to eat our turkey dinner, and it was hard not to notice the people sitting alone. And it dawned on me... at least I have a family with which to celebrate. I always know that, but sometimes I don't understand it. So this Christmas will be hard to schedule. We might celebrate on Christmas Eve instead. I will still have a family to spend time with. Maybe for some people, it's not a question of how to spend time, but whether you get to. How blessed I am, despite my kooky parents. They're great people, and they promise they love me even more than their jobs. I debate that sometimes, but really, they do. And without their crazy jobs, I wouldn't be going to Notre Dame. So. Life is good.

So that's my epiphany for the month. In other news, Indiana has stubbornly been refusing to admit it's November recently. Chicago's weather was beautiful too, 50s and 60s. Perfect for walking in, not too hot or too cold. Sadly, the crusade against winter is supposed to fail Friday; Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all have predicted highs of 35 and possible snowfall at night. Parka time.


Wait no! I've had another epiphany this month. Last night I realized I don't like being flirted with. Maybe I would if it was done well, but it mostly seems to take the form of throwing as many sexual innuendos as possible into a conversation. It's awkward, I always think I'm going to say something wrong, and just generally uncomfortable. Talk to me about something intelligent and you're much more likely to win my favor. This realization didn't come from anything the Boy did, for those wondering, but from a facebook conversation going on between me and an old friend from a high school that I had a class with when I was a sophomore. Wanting to catch up is cool and all, but I'm disinclined to want to do so if you find a way to twist my every comment into being "sexy". That's not who I am, and I'm ok with that. Random guys I hardly know calling me sexy does not make me feel spicy, adultish, or beautiful... it makes me feel awkward. And I want to run the other way. It's how I am. Tell me about a book you're reading.
P.S. If the guy facebooking me actually ends up reading this- I think you're great, but dude. Stop. You're smart, I know it. Act like it.

Chicago Trip Reflection

First off, let me say that this trip was phenomenal. It was short enough that we could keep up a furious pace that would never have been sustainable over a week. It was enough to give us a taste of a great city, but not so much that we decided that we'd had enough of Chicago for a while. It was fast and fun and enticing. I loved it.

On Wednesday (before Thanksgiving), my parents picked me up from Notre Dame and we set off for Chicago. Lovely family bonding was somewhat cut short when I fell asleep thanks to my beautiful anti-nausea medicine. TMI, gotcha. We got to the hotel eventually, at which point I woke up and helped to move stuff into our room, which was surprisingly normal-sized, even though we were a block over from Michigan St, i.e. the Magnificent Mile. Once settled, we took the recommendation of the concierge and went to a pizza place called East Gino's for dinner, where we proceeded to stuff ourselves with absolutely fabulous food. The trend was to write one's name on some available surface in sharpie (booths, walls, chairs, etc were covered), so being a wildly independent college student, I went along with the trend. I signed my name and the date on the booth we sat in. I don't think I've ever done that before. It was fun. I don't remember much more of that night- I think we just came back to the hotel and crashed.

We woke up reasonably early on Thanksgiving in order to get a good sidewalk spot for watching the grand parade. Our progress was somewhat inhibited by my father's offer to buy me starbucks; even though there's one on campus at the end of the quad I live on, there's something special about my dad buying me coffee.. er, apple cider. Plus it was warm. We made our way down to the parade area eventually. We were next to Macy's, so while waiting I towed Mark around to look at the famous window displays, this year boasting a Mary Poppins theme. We also texted holiday greetings to important family members. The parade was a lot of fun- I have pictures up here.

After the parade, we headed for food and a bench at the nearby open-air German marketplace, curiously featuring many items from Ecuador and Peru. But they had brats and cocoa and potato pancakes, so we were a happy crew. After a bit of window shopping, we headed towards the Field Museum, where we had tickets to the fabulous King Tut exhibit. The walk was somewhat longer than anticipated, but I enjoyed it, as we got to see more of the city, such as the landmark sculpture known as the Bean. At the Field Museum, we spent the rest of the day slowly taking in the King Tut exhibit, then more quickly walking through other exhibits. It was all very interesting and well-represented. Being somewhat pooped, we also took advantage of over-priced drinks and cookies at the museum cafe. After closing down the museum, we caught a bus back to the hotel (we're so urban... that is, until I touristly took pictures of us in the bus). We ate a huge turkey dinner at the hotel, including splitting five slices of various cakes and pies among my mom, my dad, and I* . It was goood. I reached just the right level of happy fullness. Then we watched movies upstairs, I called the boy, and my family went to bed while I worked on homework (I know, I'm so dedicated...not really).

*blog entry about thanksgiving reflections themselves will hopefully be forthcoming

On Friday, we let ourselves sleep in a bit, because Thursday had been such a big, long, active day. We eventually headed out to Navy Pier, but sadly not much was open there, including the huge ferris wheel that Dad and I had looked forward to riding. We walked out to the end and took pictures, though. Then we went to the Hancock Tower. This was probably my least favorite part of the trip, as it involved long waits for a predictable view of the city that one could have seen on a postcard. (subject for another blog entry- why do I not appreciate the real? when in the king tut exhibit, I had to explain to myself that the artifacts were interesting because they're actually from ancient Egypt. I had to explain to myself that the view of Chicago was interesting because it was me actually looking at it, not through a picture. Hmm). Maybe I was just hungry and impatient. Anyway, after the tower, we decided to head to Lincoln Park Zoo and get late lunch/ early dinner on the way. As luck would have it, our route took us on a scenic beachside sidewalk and then through a large park, but never involved a restaurant. Such is life. It was cool to see Lake Michigan up close, and I have a thing for parks. We ended up getting food at the zoo, which was expensive, but there's no admission price to get into the zoo, so I justified it that way. The zoo was doing this nighttime Zoo Lights thing, featuring lots of Christmas lights, activities, and the animals at night. Some obviously went to bed at nightfall, but some were really active, which was cool to see. The penguin/puffin exhibit was naturally my favorite. After Mark just couldn't take anymore, we took a bus back to the hotel. Mom and I toyed with the idea of evening shopping on Michigan, but Dad wouldn't hear of his girls out on the town at night. Probably for the best. We picked up ice cream from a corner grocery store instead and played a board game back at the hotel. Good times.

Mom and I, determined to get our shopping done, got up Saturday morning, packed what we could, and set out together to hit Old Navy. I ended up going in the Gap first, but I only found a sweater there. We did much more damage at Old Navy. Basically, I need all of the warm clothes I can get, and my mom agrees. We shop well together. We were thrifty, too, because the sales were still going on. Yay us. On the way back to the hotel, we passed a Daughters of St. Paul bookstore. They were my favorite order back when I thought I wanted to be a nun. Of course, we had to go in and browse. I ended up with Christmas cards and a CD. Mom and I had already been running behind when we said we'd get back, so we hoofed it back to the hotel. Go us. It was nice to get to just talk to my mom for a while. Back at the hotel, Dad had thrown everything into the van and was awaiting our final approval of his packing job so we could check out. After a bit of rearranging, we all got in the van and headed back to Notre Dame.

All in all, a great trip. Maybe Mark didn't think so, yet, but at least three out of four of us were happy campers. We'll get him yet :-)

Harrumph.

I have all these awesome pictures from our trip to Chicago and all these awesome comments about them and stories to tell, but I can't find a good way of uploading said pictures. Blogger's uploading thing bothers me to no end. I decided heck with that, I'll start a flickr account and post them there. So I went through all the effort of making a new yahoo ID, making a flickr account to go with it, and uploading my first six photos. This took about an hour. Then I find out that I've already used 61% of my bandwith capacity for the month. If I want my other photos up, I either have to shell out $ for a pro account or size down my pictures before I upload them. I love my Mac, but I have no photo-editing software, and so no way of sizing down pictures.

That was an hour and a half well spent. I will get around to writing about the trip later, but it might be sadly without my beautiful photos. :-(



EDIT: HA! I beat the system! Actually, I just downloaded some shareware that makes the whole uploading & resizing process from a Mac about 10000x easier. It's called PictureSync, and it's awesome. It resizes my photos as I upload them, so a Flickr account can hold them. So go see my pictures, already. http://www.flickr.com/photos/gingercrinkle/